I don't particularly feel all that comfortable writing down this entry because I am not entirely sure how you all will take it. I told you all that I didn't want to write anymore blogs about being upset and such, but I've come to discover that being upset is just part of what makes life what it is. Humans wouldn't be humans if we didn't have a sense of emotions and self esteem right?

Some things need to be said though. This is one of those upset posts so for all those who don't appreciate it, I will tell you now that there are several other places where you could occupy your eyes and if you don't want to read you don't have to. I'm not forcing you...and if you don't care about what you're reading then why are you still reading?

I'm starting to feel a little less than normal...to say the least. I have some sort of anxiety that comes with being around a large group of people. I can't stand to be in a large group of people because I feel uncomfortable. I don't know how to "properly end" a conversation and I will just flat out walk away from people who I have run out of stuff to say to. I feel uncomfortable being around people who are not right immediately related to me in some way. Prime example of this would be today at church I didn't have my mom to hang on to, or my sister or my gramma. I was talking to my uncle and I felt very very uncomfortable and made a phony excuse about having to go find my sister. I really didn't have to find my sister. I had seen her the whole time, but I feel uncomfortable talking about myself to people.

So....

I have decided that it is time for me to go ahead and return to counseling again.
I have fought off trying to go back because I figured I'd be able to be allright by myself.
But I'm feeling so left out right now that maybe I probably should just quit fighting it.
I spent most of my day saying in my head how reliable the people I surrond myself with are..
and as I've just discovered today...neither one of them are.

And to top that off, people are beginning to make me uncomfortable.
I had to sit through church today and I don't particularly like to stray away from people who I know really well (my sister, dad, mom or gramma).
Maybe there is something wrong with me and I just never knew it up until now.

Oh man, I wish I had my boy here to tell me everything's fine.
Or even more..I wish I had my mom here to talk to.

My mom understands.

I feel like I'm giving so much to people and not getting much back. I feel cheated, used and betrayed.
I feel as though people here view me as dispensible or expendable.
Work probably isn't helping this feeling, but it won't matter soon enough.

But I wonder if counseling would help me out with this.
Or if this is just something that's a side effect of withdrawals from my boy.
Or something else that it could possibly be.

But right now I'm not feeling all that important to anyone as of right now.
So...I'm upset.

I hope you all are doing considerably better than me.
It's only 2 more days...