• New meds for women...

    Damitol
    Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

    St. Mom's Wort
    Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
    unconscious for up to six hours.

    Empty Nestrogen
    Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the
    memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till
    they moved out.

    Peptobimbo
    Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

    Dumerol
    When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing
    enjoyment of country western music.

    Flipitor
    Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

    Antiboyotics
    When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

    Menicillin
    Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,
    "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"

    Buyagra
    Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

    Extra Strength Buy-One-all
    When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so
    severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

    JackAsspirin
    Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
    anniversary or phone number.

    Antitalksident
    A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

    Sexcedrin
    More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

    Ragamat
    When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    Women Driver Statistics

    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in
    front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder.

    This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and
    flipped the woman off.

    "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and
    wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic
    and here's why:

    I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That's 76 miles. Of these,
    16 each way is bumper to bumper.

    Most of the bumper to bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look
    at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car
    every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That
    works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

    Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I
    pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like
    36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by
    females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having
    the worst day of their period. That is 642.

    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or
    unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health,
    22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's
    98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
    weapons, and the number is increasing.

    That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
    has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
    considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and
    is armed.

    No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.


    :lol: ;) :lol:
  • Ha ha ha :lol:
    I really liked the medicational file, I could use some of those myself. :lol:
  • LMAO!!!!!!! Those are tooo good!!
    I could use some of that 'antitalksident' at work sometimes let me tell ya!! :D

    Oh, and men, let me warn you: Be very careful if your wife ever gives her bottle of damitol to Helen Back!! ;) (I can see the ???..... just say it out loud) :lol:

    Now if you'll excuse me, time to take my Menicillin before I go to work!
  • Pardon my double post here, but I just read one that I HAD to share!!!!!!

    A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen
    mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge
    his face and hands.
    "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles
    black?"
    Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here
    to wash your face and hands."
    He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
    Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your
    face and hands."
    The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little
    distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
    "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
    Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She
    whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers,
    moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up
    the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing
    wrong with them!!!"
    At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again,
    "Are my test results back???"



    HEHEHEHEHEEE!!!!! I just loved that one!!!!! :lol:
  • Get out of the city!!! A guy just told that one to me today at work!!! It was just as good now as it was then!
  • er...interesting :D

    And those meds were really useful ;)
  • Oh man are those funny. I was laughing my head off for 5 minutes cause I was wondering where my mother could get some of that anti-deppressant since she has three, I repeat three, rather noisy teenagers in her house. Though I think she might also appreciate some of the sexedrin to get her and my dad 'back on track' with each other if you get my drift. :D Ans I see way too many people even here in loverly Scotland who could use a triple dose of Flipitol.
  • Well I just got this e-mail not even 10 minutes ago, fitting place for it.

    Public Service Announcement
    This is a public service message for women to better understand men.
    Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
    _________________________________________
    Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, .
    _______________________________________________
    Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
    _______________________________________________
    Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
    _______________________________________________
    Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
    ___________________________________________________
    Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).
    _______________________________________________________
    Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
    _______________________________________________
    Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
    _______________________________________________
    Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
    _______________________________________________
    Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
    _______________________________________________
    Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
  • A seasonal funny.....


    Miracle Laughing Rabbit


    A man was driving along the highway when saw the Easter rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
    He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter bunny jumped in front of the car and was struck by his car.

    The basket of eggs and candy that the rabbit was carrying, went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man, as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colourful rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

    A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter rabbit and killed it. Children will be so disappointed. What should I do?"

    The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the dead, limp rabbit and sprayed the contents of the can onto the furry animal. Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

    50 metres away the Easter rabbit stopped turned around, waved and hopped down the road.

    50 metres further on, he turned again, waved and hopped another 50 metres, again he waved.

    The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can. He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on the Easter rabbit?"

    The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

    [i]"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.
  • Not sure if some of you heard this one yet but I got it in my e-mail today.

    A priest and a minister decided to step into a nearby bar for a drink. After looking around the priest says "You know, I think we stepped into a gay bar, there are no women here". Soon enough someone comes up beside the priest and starts coming on to him- not used to this he starts getting somewhat nervous. The minister whispers something to the guy, who nods and walks away.

    After the minister sits down again the priest asks "What did you say to him?" Priest replies "I told him we were on our honeymoon".
  • There were three balloons, Mummy, Daddy and Baby. Every night Baby would be put to bed at 7pm, but in the morning, much to Daddy's annoyance, Baby Balloon would be in bed with him and Mummy. Eventually it got so bad that Daddy decided to have a talk. "Look, Baby, you're getting older now and you can't sleep with us any more. If I catch you in our bed when we wake up one more time, you're in trouble. Understand?" Baby agreed and promised not to do it again. That night, at 7, Mummy put Baby into bed. A few hours later, she and Daddy turned in as well. About 2am, Baby woke up and decided to get into bed with his parents. He tried to sneak in between them, but there wasn't enough room, so he undid the knot at the bottom of Daddy and deflated him a bit. He tried again, but there still wasn't enough room, so he undid Mummy's knot and let some of her air out, but it was still no good. Finally he undid his own knot, released some air and found that he could get in bed at last.
    In the morning, Daddy woke up and was furious to see Baby in bed with them. He woke Baby up and started shouting at him. Baby tried to apologise, but Daddy was too angry. He said "You've let me down, you've let your mother down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."
  • QUOTE(Susan B STAFF @ Feb 11 2003, 05:18 AM) [snapback]43499[/snapback]

    LMAO!!!!!!!
    Oh, and men, let me warn you: Be very careful if your wife ever gives her bottle of damitol to Helen Back!! ;) (I can see the ???..... just say it out loud) :lol:


    [/b]

    Life got a lot easier since I've been prescribed fukitol, so I know what you're talking about. :D


    Here's one:

    An out of work actor (waiter) gets a call from his agent saying that he has a reading in 20 minutes, to hurry over, and that he's perfect for the part. When he arrives at his agent's office, he finds his agent talking to a big-time Broadway Producer. They call the actor in, the Producer is introduced to the actor, and the Producer agrees that the actor is perfect for the part, so they do a reading. It's just one line, "Hark!, I hear the cannons roar!" and the actor nailed it. The Producer agreed to hire the actor, and informed him that the play began on the following night. The Producer left the office, and both the actor and his agent were left jumping for joy, for it was the actor's first gig in many months. So, the agent took the actor out for dinner and drinks, and they got plastered. The actor wakes up early the following afternoon, looks at the clock and shouts, because he only has 30 minutes to make it to the theatre. He dresses and begins running down the street, repeating to himself "Hark!, I hear the cannons roar!","Hark!, I hear the cannons roar!" He hails a cab, and repeats all the way to the theater "Hark!, I hear the cannons roar!" When he arrives at the theater, he runs to the door where he's stopped by an usher. He says to the usher, "I'm Hark!, I hear the cannons roar!, so let me in." The usher says, "You're Hark!, I hear the cannons roar?" You better get into wardrobe right away, you're running late! So the usher rushes the actor into wardrobe and tells the wardrobe master "This is Hark!, I hear the cannons roar!" To which the wardrobe master says, "You're Hark!, I hear the cannons roar?...You're late. Put this on." So the actor grabs the costume from the wardrobe master, disrobes, puts on the costume and the wardrobe master rushes him into makeup. The wardrobe master tells the makeup artist, "This is Hark!, I hear the cannons roar!" To which the makeup artist says, "Well sit him right down, 'cause he's late." The whole time the actor is in the makeup chair he's saying to himself "Hark!, I hear the cannons roar!, "Hark!, I hear the cannons roar!" Once his makeup is perfect and his hair and costume are perfect, he's rushed to the stage manager. The actor tells the stage manager, "I'm Hark!, I hear the cannons roar!" and the stage manager says, "You're Hark!, I hear the cannons roar? That's great! Get out there, you're just in time!" So the actor confidently strolls out upon the boards of the stage, drowned in the spotlight and basking in the applause of the audience, when suddenly he hears a thunderous booming explosion from behind him and says, "What the #$%& was that!?!?" :blink:
  • Just the place to add one that made me LMAO !


    For his birthday, little Jacob asked for a 10 - speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

    The next day the father saw little Jacob heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,

    "Son, where are you going?" Little Jacob told him,

    "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too."

    And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"
  • ok heres one......

    Q:when did the tire store go out of business

    A:after its big blowout sale

    ha ha ha


    by the way i did tn find that funny either