A Couple Of Jokes!
  • Herad these at work today, hear one of them before but its still great, just thought i'd share them with you guys :

    A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

    Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

    He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

    He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

    "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

    With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....


    Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?"

    The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years"

    "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."

    St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"

    He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord."

    "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."

    "Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?"

    "Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"


    In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
    Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
    The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes,cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need.
    "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" He commented with evident embarrassment.
    In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
    "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor." I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's..just working away at this pumpkin.
    "Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
    "He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

    :D :tongue:
    I found them funny.
  • You have a strange sense of humour matty!!

    Loved um!!
  • LOL. Theve, you have a very warped sense of humor. ^_^

    But I loved the jokes. :wub:
  • Heard this cute little thing yesterday, and of course, had to share it:

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband one morning. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
    They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
    Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

    The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

    The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

    (Tiff, hold onto this one for future reference!) :laugh:
  • Lmao, that was just really odd until the actual punchline. Very good speedie. *pats speedie on back*
  • Great one :laugh: , Speedie. May have to try that with the wife sometime. :g: Maybe not I would likely be wearing the eggs and have the pan cracked over my head.
  • Thank you thank you! Hopefully you'll like this next one too!

    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled
    For a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip
    To the hairdresser, who responded,

    "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
    You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

    We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
    Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
    Always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on
    Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks
    it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump,
    The worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,
    And they'reoverpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other
    People trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
    Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
    The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on
    Time in one of Continental's brand new planes, ! But it w as overbooked
    And they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
    And I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job
    And now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
    They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's
    Suite at no extra charge!"

    Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good,
    But I know you you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,
    A Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
    Likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
    Into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
    And shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

    "Oh, really! What'd he say?"

    He said, "Where'd you get the LOUSY hairdo?"
  • LMAO !!!!!!! Nice one Speedie, didn't see that one coming......

    I copied the driving one and sent it to my father........ he is someone who can REALLY appreciate it, heh heh.
  • Thought I might make a little addition also.
    Mother Theresa is sitting patiently waiting to get into heaven when she notices a young woman sitting across from her. She looks up at her own halo and realizes that the circle around the woman's head is noticably larger. As St. Peter passes by, she gently tugs on his sleeve, points to her own halo, gestures toward the other woman says "hers is much larger". "That's Princess Diana" says St. Peter. "it's not a halo, it's a steering wheel."
  • :blink: ACK!! :bag:
  • "This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd
    like to welcome you aboard United Airlines flight 602 from
    New York to Punta Cana. You are currently flying at a height
    of 35,000 feet going south over the Atlantic.

    "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the
    aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines
    are on fire.

    "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will
    observe that the port wing has fallen off.

    "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a
    little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

    "That's me, your captain, the co-pilot and one of the
    stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
  • How can you tell who is the blind man at a nudist colony?
    It's not too hard.