A Little Something To Offend Everyone
  • Why is divorce so expensive?
    Because it's worth it.

    What do you call a smart blonde?
    A golden retriever.

    What do attorneys use for birth control?
    Their personalities.

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    45 lbs.

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
    45 minutes.

    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.

    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.

    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog! is still excited to see you.

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
    Who has the biggest boobs?
    The blonde, because she's 18.

    What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
    A porcupine has the pr!cks on the outside.

    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    ! "Are you sure it's mine?"

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Bre@sts don't have eyes.

    What's the Cuban National Anthem?
    "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
    A different bar

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment.

    What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
    They're hiring.

    What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
    A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

    Why is there no Disneyland in China?
    No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
  • What, no Polish jokes!?!?!?!? :laugh:

    "The difference between husband and boyfriend" can also be answered "45 pounds" in some cases! :blink:
    Heeheeheee, so many of these are soooooooo true though!!! (except the girlfriend/wife thingy) ;)
  • What happened to the Australian jokes! I wasnt offended by any of those! Geez, what a let down.
  • there arnt any auzzy jokes because we are the best! its hard being a role model for all you people *sniff*
  • Had to remove the Auzzi jokes from that because they were WAY to rude for this site altho I've picked out the cleanest one......

    Apparently there are no sheep in NZ, they all migrated to Auz cause they'd rather be shagged than eaten. :devilish:
  • Here's one from close to Australia. Hoew is safe sex practiced in New Zealand? They paint an x on the sheep that kick.
  • Oh, oh I got one

    What do you call an Englishman, wearing a soccershirt, walking around Berlin, after the 1/8 finals?
    A tourist!

    OK, so it wasn't that funny, but still...
  • Mr. VanB... :laugh: LOL!!!!!!! Very good one!!!!!

    How about a nice Jewish joke!?

    Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

    Dr. Saul says, "So tell me about the dog and the problem."

    "It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

    "He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

    "Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

    Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

    Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

    Morty says, "He has a hearing problem!
    I said 'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'."
  • Good one. I couldn't help but chuckle. And me with my aching back! Ouch.
  • Q. What do you call a retarded Englishman?

    A. Scottish

    As if that weren't bad enough. I will share with you all the most offensive joke I've ever heard (No, not the Aristocrats), and it goes a little something like this:

    Mama Duck, Baby Duck, Mama Skunk, and Baby Skunk were walking through the forest one day when they came upon a road. Mama Duck and Mama Skunk told the babies to wait at the roadside, and they would venture onto the road and see if it was safe to cross. No sooner had they reached the middle of the road when a truck ran them down, in full view of their babies. The babies were mortified, and they stood at the roadside crying for the longest time. Later, they began to ask themselves what they would do, and how they would go on. "We don't know how to find our way" said Baby Skunk "And we don't know how to find food" said Baby Duck "We don't know where to sleep" said Baby Skunk "And we don't even know what we are" said Baby Duck.
    "Well" said Baby Skunk, "You're covered with little feathers, you have webbed feet and a bill, so you must be a Duck. What about me?"
    "Let's see here" said Baby Duck, "You're mostly black, but it looks like you've got some white on you, and you have a terrible odor about you, too. You must be Puerto Rican!"

    I know, I know. Que Horrible! But it is the "A little something to offend everybody" thread, isn't it?
  • O.K. I've heard the baby duck,baby skunk joke before but a little differant. The end was: Well, your black and white, you must be one of Micheal Jacksons kids!!
  • I hadn't ever heard either one of those versions, but they're both funny!!! (of course, I'm neither Puerto Rican nor one of M.J.'s kids! ) heeeheeehee

    Let me try this one on ya's:

    An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

    Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"

    "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

    "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to h3ll."

    "You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

    "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."

    :o :laugh:
  • lol i would have to say well done for that one :P
  • Wow! Maybe "The Aristocrats" wouldn't offend this crowd.
  • Most impressive.
    Here's another one to take a little poke at the Scots. What's the difference between bagppes and onions?
    No one cries when you cut up the pipes.
  • i always hated those things anyway
  • Another one in a musical vein. What does it mean when a guitar player is foaming out of both sides of the mouth? The stage is level.
  • Q. How many Country musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A. 4: 1 to change the bulb and 3 to sing about how bad they missed the old one.

    Q. How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A. 4: 1 to change the bulb and 3 to complain about it being electric to begin with.

    Q. How many Country chick singers does it take to sing "Crazy?"
    A. Apparently, all of 'em

    Q. What's the difference between a dead Country chick singer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?
    A. Skid marks in front of the skunk.
  • What do you call those people who hang out with musicians? Drummers.
    How can you tell when there's a drummer knocking on your door? Eventually the knocking will slow down.
  • A blonde was really hard up for cash and she had absolutely no idea what to do about it.
    She thought...
    and thought...
    and thought...
    Suddenly she had an idea. She would kidnap a rich kid and hold him/her for ransom.
    So the next day she went down to local park and searched until there was a kid by themselves. After about an hour she saw a kid who was about 8 or 9 years old. She went to him and told him that she was kidnapping him and holding him for ransom.
    She then told him to go to his parents and tell them what she had said and that they had to leave
  • What's the difference between an uzi and an accordion? After 30 rounds, the uzi will stop.
  • Who's the most popular person on the nude beach? The guy carrying two coffees and a dozen doughnuts.
  • An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
    Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
    children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
    up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
    sex with each of them three times."
    Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
    Man: "What sins?"
    Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
    Man: "I'm Jewish."
    Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
    Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!"


    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
    entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
    The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
    The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
    me seven times."
    The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into
    a glass and then drink the juice."
    The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
    The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."


    Teko gets married, and on his wedding night calls his father to get some tips on what to do since he had never been with a woman before." So what do I do first?"

    His father says: "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed"

    5 minutes later Teko is on the phone again. "She's naked and in bed what do I do now?" His father can't believe what he is hearing, "Take your darn clothes off and get into bed with her."

    After another 5 minutes Teko is on the phone again. "Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?" His father's patience is now running out so he says, "Shoot son, do I have to spell everything out to you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Good night!!!!

    "Just when his father starts snoring, his son is on the phone again."OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl, what do I do now?"

    "Drown yourself, you bl00dy idiot!"


    Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

    "Not yet," said the little boy.

    His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
    He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

    He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

    "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my Cereal?" he asks.

    "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

    The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "You going to tell him, or should I?"

    Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"

    The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"

    "Well we better, were almost out of fuel."

    So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

    "WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain."That runway was SHORT!"

    "Yeah!" said the copilot,"and WIDE too!"
  • Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel

    A: Sparky!:D
  • Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
    There lying in the middle of his front lawn was a dead jackass.
    He promptly called the local police station.
    The conversation went like this:
    "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
    "And the top of the mornin' te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at
    St. Bridget's. There's a jackass lying dead on me front lawn. Would ye be
    so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with
    a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you
    people took care of last rites!"
    There was dead silence on the line for a moment, then
    Father O'Malley replied:
    "Aye, that tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

    Happy St Paddy