Random Jokes I Have Acquired
  • None of these have been written by me, I have got them through friends, etc, etc. Yes that is a lot of reading, i know.

    Ads in Bills:
    Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your
    bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff
    junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage
    in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana
    peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank
    you."
    --------------------------------------------------------------
    Fabric Softener:
    My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was
    for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married'
    (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take
    off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out
    of your clothes.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    Cripes
    My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
    wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who
    would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of
    'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in
    'Heck'?
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Morning Differences:
    Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up
    aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we
    want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the
    way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We
    have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Pregnancy:
    It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say,
    'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward
    reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel
    your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give
    me your hand...It won't be long now..."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Grandma:
    My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
    Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way,
    do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where
    she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Reverse Life Cycle:
    The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean,
    life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the
    end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle
    is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way.
    Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're
    too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty
    years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do
    drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You
    go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
    responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the
    womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off
    as a gleam.
    ------------------------------------------------------
    Prisons:
    Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to
    house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few
    prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have
    bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and
    board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours
    a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't
    want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the
    generator.
    ---------------------------------------------
    Award Shows:
    Can you believehow many award shows they have now? They have
    awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of
    commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the
    whole thing.
    -------------------------------------------
    Phone-in Polls:
    You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
    issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't
    know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I
    don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me
    the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud)
    Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not
    sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for
    $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Answering Machine:
    Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on
    someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it
    right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the
    love. '"Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
    calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop
    sharing the love."

    ---------------------
    One day a man was walking along the beach when he found a
    bottle, when he opened it up a genie poped out. The genie said
    he could have one wish. The man thought about it a while then
    told the man that he was afraid of heights and got sea sick, but
    really wanted to go to Hawaii so he asked the genie to make a
    highway to Hawaii.

    "I don't know" said the genie, "that is really difficult. Do you
    have another request?"

    "Well, I really want to know all about women, you know, how they
    tick and why they're the way they are!"

    The genie replied: "Will that be two lanes or four?"
    -----------------
    FBI'S MOST UNUSUAL DEATHS

    Every year the FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes
    including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide
    Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

    1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a
    20-inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange $ex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
    OWWWW!!!!

    2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

    3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8-year-old daughter,
    who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner.
    The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

    4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he
    attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

    5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to
    pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim
    to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been
    since Mr Halos paid his rent.

    6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she
    wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the
    troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in
    front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very "real looking" target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

    7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

    8- Helena Simms, wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold
    Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the
    neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye
    shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even hadan ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

    9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two-timing wife by
    loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving wasfilled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

    10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers
    about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her
    outline into the driveway.

    11- Michael Lewis, angry with his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die
    Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double-sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! On one side, and God Loves the KKK on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

    12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

    -----------------
    Okay, now this one is written by me, but its not really a joke.

    Did you hear bout the dolphins that have been sent to search out sea mines and report back their positions, somehow. Anyway, these dolphins, as soon as they were released, went AWOL. So anyway, an Australian Soldier was interviewed about this. Now remember, this is one of the 3000 elite soldiers sent by Australia, and his exact quote was "Flippers fu**ed mate", exact quote. Doesn't sound like an elite soldier does it.
    Just thought this was some interesting reading.

    Hope you enjoyed.
  • Nice jokes. My favourites are: Morning Differences, the Genie one and all the unusual deaths. I really cracked up over them so make sure to keep em coming Cricketrules.

  • Heh heh heh, my fav. has to be the one about the awards shows!!
    Commercial awards, fast forward through the whole thing!! HAHAHAHAAA!!!!! Sounds like a Steven Wright thing to do! ;)
  • Very good :D Just luv a bit of humour, first thing in the morning!!!! :lol:
  • I got a kick out of the homicides. Just seems a shame those inventive folks didn't have a vigilante bent, and take out some criminals, as well.
  • Hope you don't mind if I add a another random joke, Cricket...

    [i]An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

    The teller said,
  • THINGS TO PONDER

    When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in
    her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
    -Author Unknown

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he
    knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this
    very profound question.

    Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the
    decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware ."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
    a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
    because a woman has to say everything twice.

    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
    stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

    The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful
    so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would
    be attracted to you!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Some Great Truths About Life:

    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

    2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

    3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

    4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

    5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

    6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
    joy.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
    the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat
    and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The
    Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
    British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
    also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion:
    Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

    1) You believe in Santa Claus.

    2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

    3) You are Santa Claus.

    4) You look like Santa Claus.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
    word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
    wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
    and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

    "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws.
    ~~~~~~~

    -Topper
  • Got this in email... made me laugh :P
    ~~
    BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER

    1. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

    2. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

    3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

    4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

    5. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

    6. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

    7. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

    8. Things you buy now won't wear out.

    9. You can buy a compass for the dash of your car.

    10. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

    11. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

    12. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.

    13. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

    14. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

    15. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

    16. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

    17. You got cable TV for the weather channel.

    18. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

    19. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

    20. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

    21. You send money to PBS.

    22. You sing along with the elevator music.

    23. You talk about "good grass", and you're referring to someone's lawn.

    24. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

    25. Your back goes out more than you do.

    26. Your ears are hairier than your head.

    27. Your eyes won't get much worse.

    28. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

    29. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

    30. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
    either.

  • Leave it to a geezer to come up with those ones!! :lol:

    I got this one in the (e)mail from my sister this morning, thought it was a good one to share:


    Subject: Four golfers


    Four guys who worked together always golfed as a
    group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and
    they were talking about trying to fill out the
    foursome.

    A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like
    to golf. May I join the group?"

    They were hesitant but said she could come once to
    try it and they would see what they thought. They all agreed and she said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
    She showed up right at 6:30 and
    wound up setting a course record with a 7-under
    par round.

    They guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse
    congratulated her.
    Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire
    round.
    The guys happily invited her back the next week
    and she said,
    "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
    She showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning.

    Only this time, she played left-handed and matched
    her 7-under par score of the previous week.
    By now the guys were totally amazed and they asked
    her to join the group for keeps.

    They had a beer after their round and one of the
    guys asked her,
    "How do you decide if you're going to golf
    right-handed or left-handed?"

    She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the
    golf course, I pull the covers off my husband who sleeps in the nude.
    If his "you-know-what"
    is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed;
    if it's pointed to the left,
    I golf left-handed.

    One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed
    straight up?"
    She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

    :D
  • I've been looking for a place to put this. Got it as an e-mail.
    Why Am I So Tired?
    For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason:
    I'm tired because I'm overworked.
    Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the latest foe, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for the state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
    Nice, real nice.
  • God made the earth, then rested.
    God made man, then rested.
    God made women, since then neither God nor man has rested!

    Old time favorite of mine :lol:
  • There was three guys: a black guy, a white guy, and a dumbass. they were driving in the desert when their car broke down. The black guy started gathering water and the dumbass asked him," why are you doing that?" the black guy said," well, if we get thirsty we can drink it". Then the white guy starts gathering food and the dumbass asked," why are you doing that?" the white guy said " well if we get hungry we can eat it". Then the dumbass ripped the car door off and the other to said," why did you do that?" the dumbass said" well if we get hot we can roll down the window". So, they all died out in the desert and God took them to a cliff and said" jump off this cliff and name one animal you want to be and you will become it". So the black guy ran, jumped off and said "Eagle" and he flew off. The white guy ran, jumped off and said "Gorilla" and he ran away. The dumbass ran, tripped over a rock and said "SHIT" and splatted on the ground. Then the devil takes them to Hell. The devil says if they can say one thing he can't do then he would set them free. The black guy said " give me a billion dollors", the devil did it and said that he was staying there. The white guy said " Give me a car with a million hourse power" the devil did it and said he was staying there. Then the dumbass farted and said "Catch that fart and paint it green!"
  • There're 3 old guys talking about how it's tougher now that they're old men The first says " I wake up every morning at 6 having to pee. I get up, walk to the toilet and nothing happens." The second one says " yeah, I know what you mean. I wake up every morning at 7 having to have a dump. I get up, walk to the bathroom and nothing happens either." The third one says " I wake up every morning at 6 and have a long pee. At 7 I have a big poop. I just wish that I could wake up before 8."

  • OK, here's another random joke to add to the collection!


    A priest is looking out the window at the front of the
    church and notices a young boy hanging around aimlessly throwing
    rocks into the street. The priest decides to go outside and talk
    to the young boy about his behavior, hoping to inspire him to
    find more meaningful things to do with this life.

    He approaches the boy and says, "Don't you have better
    things to do than to stand around here and throw rocks?"

    The boy looked at the priest and said, "F*ck you!"

    The priest then begins to tell the boy about his own life.
    He tells him how he grew up in a poor neighborhood
    filled with street gangs and how he started going to
    church on Sundays and found direction in his life. Then
    he told the boy how he went on to graduate from high
    school with a 4.0 average, how he got accepted into
    Notre Dame, graduated from college in only two years,
    went on to graduate school and got his doctorate by
    the time he was only 21 years old!

    "So," said the priest looking right at the boy, "f*ck YOU!"


    :woot:
  • An old guy is sitting at a bar nursing his beer.
    In walks in punk rocker with blue, red, and yellow spiked hair. :punk:

    The geezer looks up from his drink at the youngster and shakes his head and goes back to his drinking.... taking a long drink.

    The punk rocker walks up to the bar right next the man and begins to yell.

    "Hey old man... haven't you ever been young and carefree... ever done something that you didn't care what anyone else thought... and just done something for the :swear: of it!?!"

    The old man looks at the youngster and takes another long drink. He then looks up and answers...

    "Yea kid... I was once young and carefree... matter of fact about 22 years ago I had sex with a parrot and I think you may be my son"
    :lol:
  • You got some good ones there CR!

    Ever since I told my freinds I was going to be a lawyer they have been bringing lawyer jokes up in class all the time! Heres one thats allright,

    The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator...

    The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them.
    When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened.

    St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, "Don't feel bad. We get popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a lawyer."
  • Princess Di and Mother Theresa are waiting to enter heaven. Mother Theresa gently tugs on St. Peter's sleeve and says " Her halo is bigger than mine, isn't it". St. Peter responds "That's not a halo, it's a steering wheel".
  • I can't believe this thread is still, well here.
    LI, lawyer eh, time to break out the jokes... hehe.

    Anyway, may as well post some more jokes.

    For the guys.........

    The Guy's Revenge
    from the man's perspective...

    I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do". One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said, "WHAT?"

    So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads.
    She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

    I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
    The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.I
    walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewellery Dept, where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.
    I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

    She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

    You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said,
    "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

    I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during Spring 2006.

    --------------
    There are always two sides of the story.

    Her Story

    He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at the pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I had promised - but he didn't say anything much about it.

    The conversation was very slow going so I thought that we would go off
    somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately.

    We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny . I tried to cheer him up, and wondered whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

    So, anyway - in the car on the way home I told him that I loved him deeply, and he just put his arm around me. I don't know what the hell that means because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. This really worries me.

    We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say that it's all over between us.

    Reluctantly, I said that I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10
    minutes he joined me, and to my surprise , he responded to my advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him - but I just cried myself to sleep.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think that he is
    seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.


    His Story

    Australia lost the cricket. Got a root though

    ---------------
    It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

    The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was when you died."

    "No problem," says the man. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately started searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!"

    "Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed into some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out into the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost immediatly."

    The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven" and lets him in. A few seconds later the next guy comes up.

    "Before I let you in, I need to hear what your day was like when you died." The man says, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this."

    "I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really working hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Lickily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die straight away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

    The angel sits quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. 'I could get used to this policy', he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces, "welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven" and he lets the man enter.

    A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. "OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

    The man says, "OK. Picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator..."



    Enjoy...I hope.
  • Just a quick one from me:

    A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
    The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all Night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
    The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home." :woot:
  • What's the difference between a Northern and Southern Fairy Tale?

    A Northern Fairy Tale begins...Once upon a time

    A Southern Fairy Tale begins...Ya'll aint gonna believe this sh :swear:t

  • Heh heh heh, yup, I live in the South!! :lol:

    Here's one:


    What's important to women:
    ***********************

    1. It is important to have a man that has a job and that helps you around the house.

    2. It is important to have a man that makes you laugh.

    3. It is important to have a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

    4. It is important to have a man who is good in bed and loves making love to you.

    5. It is VERY important that these four men don't know each other!

    :think: