• As promised, the third sort-of-anual JokeFest is here!!

    The idea is to post jokes for all the rest of us to enjoy, and then later we'll be able to vote on them.

    We'll be instituting a new voting system, which I'll explain later.

    Now, for some :rules: (ya just had to know those were coming!)

    1: Only ONE post per person. If you come up with a new one, then use the 'EDIT' button to add a new one to your already-existing post. Anyone who adds a second post in order to add a new joke will automatically be disqualified from the competition and will have their already existing post DELETED!! NO EXCEPTIONS!!! (this rule is in order to keep the SPAM to a minimum.)
    {you have been warned!!}

    2: Try to keep them semi clean, keeping in mind that we have younger, more 'tender' eyes in these here forums.

    3: Please go back and re-check everyones posts from time to time so that you can be kept up do date on what all is in here.

    4: ONLY new jokes please!! Do NOT post a joke that you've already posted in here somewhere else, or that somebody else has posted in here!!!!!!

    There, that should about cover it.
    The JokeFest will last for 4 weeks, so you've got plenty of time go put your two cents' worth in here.

    Alrighty then, let the show begin!!!
  • Well, as they say, simplicity is sometimes the best thing there is, so, since I'm a lazy bum here's the first joke I thought of.

    Two blondes walk into a building.


    First blonde says, "Ow! That hurt!"

    Thank you, thank you, *bows* my lame joke of the day.

    Now lets see if I get even one vote. :P
  • Ok, I'll continue the Blonde jokes.

    Three Wishes
    There was three blondes stranded on a island far, far away. They saw a magic bottle floating on the water. They retrieved it and they went ahead and rubbed it, a genie came out and said " thank you very much lady's". the genie said, just for that I will grant you all one wish and one wish only, so all three blondes were happy.

    The first blonde said I want to be rich and have a big mansion with a big swimming pool," poof", she was gone having a good time.

    The second blonde said, I want to be a millionaire and own a plane with a cute husband to take care of me and travel the world, ' poof", she was of with her husband having a good time.

    Then the third blonde was so sad. And the genie asked, "what is wrong?", the blonde said, you know what I wish, "I wish my friends were back here with me", and "poof", there they are, back together again.
  • A young man is walking alont the beach when he stubs his toe upon a blunt object. He looks down and upon closer inspection he finds a lamp. Rubbing the lamp to clean it off results in a puff of smoke and a genie appears.

    The genie announces to the young man that he is entitled to three wishes, however there is a contingency to the wishes. Whatever he wishes for his ex-wife will recieve double.

    the young man agrees to the stipulation and for his first wish says " I want a million dollars". The genie says alright you now have a million dollars in your account but you ex has two milion.

    The young man then says "I want a mansion worth ten million dollars " the genie says alright but your ex now has one worth twenty million dollars.

    After a bit of deliberation the young man says " I wish someone would beat me half to death!"
  • 1.Once an old man become 99 years old.

    Interviewer: I hope I can see U on your 100th birthday.

    Old man: Why not U look healthy enough to me.

    2.Once a proffessor was coming home (it was raining).

    Wife: why are U drenched I gave U an umbrella.

    Proffessor: OO I was about a yard away from our house and tried to close it but it wasn't there.

    3.Once Vinnita returned home from Ohio.

    Uncle: How did U find the weather in Ohio.

    Vinitta: I came out of the house and there it was.
  • A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the saloon and yelled"Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss!?" No one answered.

    With a quick move of his hands, he flipped his guns into the air, caught them above his head without even looking and fired at the ceiling."Alright, I'm gonna have anotha beer, and if'n my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finnish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't wanna do what I dun in Texas!"

    Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! As he swung up into the saddle and started to ride out of town, the bartender ran out of the saloon and asked, "Say partner, before you go......what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I walked home."

    More Blonde Jokes...
    How can you tell a Blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
    From the pile of M&M shells.

    What do you do if a Blonde throws you a pin?
    Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth.

    How do you make a Blonde laugh on Saturday?
    Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

    A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

    Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

    "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

    "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

    The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

    The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"

    The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

    The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.

    The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

    As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

    Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

    Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"
  • English should be Inglish... :blink:

    We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
    but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
    One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
    yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
    You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
    yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

    If the plural of man is always called men,
    why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
    If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
    and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
    If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
    why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

    Then one may be that, and three would be those,
    yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
    and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
    We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
    but though we say mother, we never say methren.

    Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
    but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

    Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

    1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
    2) The farm was used to produce produce.
    3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
    4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
    5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
    6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
    7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
    8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
    9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
    10) I did not object to the object.
    11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
    12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
    13) They were too close to the door to close it.
    14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
    15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
    16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
    17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
    18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
    19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
    20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
    21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
    22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

    Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

    Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

    English Muffins weren't invented in England.

    We take English for granted.

    But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

    Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

    If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

    If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

    Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

    In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
    Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off.

    The Code
    After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam
    is still alive," Saddam decided to send George W. a
    letter in his own handwriting to let him know that he
    is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it
    appeared to contain a coded message:
    George W. couldn't figure it out, so he typed it out
    and e-mailed it to Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice.
    Colin and Condi and their aides had no clue either, so
    they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it, so it
    went to the NAS and then to MIT and NASA and the
    Secret Service.... The list got longer and longer.
    Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt.
    Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell
    the President he is looking at the message upside


    Keeping the blonde joke tradition... (and longer is always better right?)

    A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette all were swimming at a public swimming pool.

    The life guard yells out there is going to be swim races and they line up on one side of the pool.

    The life guard yells the crawl and all three beginning swimming across the pool. The Blonde in perfect form easily beats the other two leaving them in the middle of the pool.

    The life guard yells the backstroke and once again... they begin swimming across the pool. The redhead pulls ahead and nearly wins as the blonde passes her just before reaching the side of the pool.

    The life guard yells the breast stroke and there they go swimming from the side of the pool. The brunette pulls the lead and the redhead in strong second. The blonde for some reason seems to be struggleing and barely makes it to half the pool. The brunette wins easily and the redhead comes in second... what seems like minutes, the blonde finally reaches the wall.

    The life guard goes over to the blonde and checks to see if she's ok and asks what happened.

    The blonde says... I'm not one to be a sore loser but the other two girls were using their arms.
  • You'll see me on the podium once again to claim my crown. This time I won't be sharing it with Daniel!

    Interesting Fact

    A recent study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where a woman is at in her menstrual cycle.

    For example: If a women is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

    If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his a** while he is on fire.

    How True It Is...

    A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
  • There are 5 blonds and 1 brunette hanging on a wire50 stories high, but the wire can only hold 5 people, so one of them would have to drop. After much arguments the brunette volunteers, but before she dropped she wanted to give a speech. After her speech all the blonds started to clap! :woot:
  • Alrighty then (if any of these have been posted or anything could you please tell me so I can delete them)

    A married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman........almost.......

    "The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

    The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

    The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

    The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.....

    The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

    The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in!"

    What a world? (country NSW)...

    On Thursday, 24 January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his
    afternoon program on ABC radio.

    In March, 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

    He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

    The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

    The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

    He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

    The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

    Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, so he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

    The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

    Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

    A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
    Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
    writing cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager
    replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

    The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt. At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company.

    It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking.

    They subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were
    considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.

    The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

    The gas company was ordered to:

    [1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show
    cause,within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher
    court for consideration under Company Law.

    [2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

    [3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been.

    [4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

    [5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

    And all this over $0.00.
    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
    The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
    In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem.
    One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

    "Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

    "Triple Filter?"

    "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.

    The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

    "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and....."

    "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

    Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

    "No, on the contrary....."

    "So," Soctrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true.

    You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

    "No, not really."

    "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

    This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

    It also explains why he never found out his best friend was bonking his

    EDIT: Thanks for the note.

  • Just an Mod-type note here:
    Crickettrules, I believe the one with the colonoscopy lines has been in here before, as I am the one who put them here, but I cannot find them now, and you had some extras that I didn't have, so you're clear for landing.

    I also want to say that I'm reading some really really good ones in here!!!!! Thank you guys soooooo much for your participation!!! :notworthy: Keep up the great work!!

    A little edit here: For those of you who are thinking about posting one, but are not sure as to whether or not you already have; you can always take a look back through the pages here to see if it's already here or not.
    That should save any confusion as to whether or not you've already posted the joke here somewhere else, or if someone else has.

    Pretty simple, eh!? :peace:
  • If this has been posted, then forgive me...I can't remember right if I have already posted this or not.

    Three Blonde Men

    Three blonde construction workers are working hard at an construction site when the lunch break bell tolls. All three dispose of their hardhats and sit down with their metal lunchboxes, all eating their lunches on what would soon be the thirtieth floor of the building, but for now was just pillars.

    The first blonde man opens his lunchbox and finds a turkey sandwich. He grumbles, "I hate turkey sandwiches! Everyday I get a turkey sandwich! If my wife makes me a turkey sandwich tomorrow I swear I'll jump off this floor and kill myself!"

    The second blonde opens his lunchbox and finds a bologna sandwich. He begins to whine, "I hate bologna sandwiches! Everyday I get a bologna sandwich! If my wife makes me a bologna sandwich tomorrow I swear I'll jump off this floor and kill myself!"

    The third blonde opens his lunchbox and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He doesn't particularly hate the sandwich, but follows his friends' examples. He says, "I hate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! Everyday I get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! If my wife makes me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich tomorrow I swear I'll jump off this floor and kill myself!"

    The next day came and all three sat down and opened their lunchboxes.

    The first blonde man got a turkey sandwich and he jumped off and fell to his doom.

    The second blonde man got a bologna sandwich and he jumped off and fell to his doom.

    The third..you guessed it...got a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and jumped off and fell to his doom.

    At the funeral, all three wives gathered around their husbands graves.

    The wife of the first weeped, "If I had known he hated turkey sandwiches so much I would have never made him anymore and none of this would have happened!"

    The wife to the second agreed, sobbing as well, "If I had known he hated bologna sandwiches so much I would have never made him anymore and none of this would have happened!"

    The two tear laden wives looked to the third who stood there indifferently looking at her husband's grave.

    The two wives asked, "Why aren't you crying, don't you regret not keeping them from dying?"

    The third wife shrugged. "Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch."

    EDIT: I read this one over the internet..and I thought it was hilarious, although...I am warning you younger members, this is rated PG13.

    Man Asleep In Church
    One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

    "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

    In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

    "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

    "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
    Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

    "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

    "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
    Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

    The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

    Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
    godd***** thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your a**!"

    "Amen," replied the congregation.


    A Man With Many Wishes

    A man was beachcombing and found a bottle. It was a pretty bottle so he decided he would take it back to his hut and shine it up and use it as a decorative piece.

    While he was shining, he found out that the bottle actually contained a genie. The man smiled, for he had many wishes he wished to be granted.

    After the genie was done streching, he told the man he could only have one wish.

    The man was slightly disappointed, but not too much. He began to prioritize his wishes and then proceeded to tell the genie his wish.

    "I would like to go to Hawaii in my freetime...I hear they have beautiful beaches and beautiful women. If I had a bridge that extended from here to Hawaii then I would be happy."

    The genie said, "That's a little hard of a wish to grant...are you sure you don't have any other easier of a wish?"

    The man sighed irritably, he was disappointed a second time. The man proceeded to tell the genie his absolute top wish.

    "My wife and I recently divorced. I had no idea why she got so mad at me...so I would like to understand everything about a woman."

    The genie rolled his eyes and nodded, "A bridge it is."


    Three Girls and a Cliff

    A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were all sitting on a cliff. They had been climbing all day and were wondering just how they would cross to the other side of the cliff.

    Then, the brunette took out her water bottle and lo behold, a genie came out of it.

    The genie grinned in his mighty power, "I am the genie who grants one wish. Each of you can wish for one thing."

    The brunette smiled and after a couple minutes of thought said "I know what I want. I wish I could be a beautiful eagle. That way I could fly really fast and I could get across this cliff."

    The brunette was then changed into an eagle.

    The redhead smiled and after a couple minutes of though said "I know what I want. I wish I could be a blue bird. I would sing beautifully and I would be able to fly over this cliff."

    The redhead was then changed into a bluebird.

    The blonde watched as her two friends were flying over the cliff and looked to the genie.
    "Genie, I know what I want. I wish I were an ostrich. I'd be bigger than both of those magnificent birds."

    The genie turned the blonde into an ostrich.
  • Looks like the fest is going really well! Thanks to everyone that has posted so far but dont forget its not to late to still get your entry in! Its great that everyone has followed the rules so far, and keep it up! By the way, for any changes that you make or for new posters make sure you use BOLD AND UNDERLINED for all of your joke headings please, or just BOLD is fine. Yep thats about it, keep on having fun posting and get those great jokes in, suze and I will be talking about shortlisting soon! :peace: OUT!

  • Alrighty, I didn't want to have to do this, BUT...... this one is too cute to pass up!! :D


    A young couple were entertaining some French guests and decided to serve snails. The husband went out to get hold of some suitable snails while his wife remained at home preparing for that evening.

    It was a nice day, and after he'd got the snails, the husband decided to pop into his local pub for a drink (or two).

    Or three. Realising how much time had passed in the pub, he grabbed his coat and snails and ran home knowing that his wife would be wondering where he'd got to. As he charged through the garden gate he tripped and dropped the snails all over the path.

    His wife heard the commotion and went to see what was going on. On seeing her husband she asked "Where have you been?"

    He looked back at the snails and gestured towards the front door: "Come on lads, nearly there!"



    Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia.

    When the two friends got off the plane - still wearing their down jackets, wool hats and snow boots - they wandered into a pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates.
    Where're you from?"

    "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.

    "Oh," said the Aussie, returning to his table.

    "So where are they from?" the other locals asked.

    "Don't know," replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."
  • 1) Princess Di and Mother Theresa are waiting to go up to heaven. As St. Peter passes by Mother Theresa gently tugs on his sleeve, gestures towards Princess Di and says " Her halo is quite large, isn't it ". St. Peter responds " That's not a halo, it's a steering wheel".

    2) There was a boy who was born with three testicles. As he got older he realized that he was different in this area and began to worry about it. He went to see his family doctor who assured him that his condition was unusual but everything worked properly and he had nothing to worry about. His father picked him up afterwards and asked what the problem was and if everything was OK. The boy responded " Er, um, well, mmmm, it was about the jewels. The package. You know, my balls. Between the two of us, we have five." The father says "What! You only have one?"

    3) What's the difference between bagpipes and onions ?
    No one cries when you cut up the bagpipes.
  • One day, an old woman was up in her attic with her cat when she spotted an old,dirty oil lamp. She started to rub the lamp when POOF!-smoke poured into the room. When the smoke cleared, a geni was standing in the middle of the room. He told the old lady that he'd grant her three wishes.

    First, the old woman wished she were a young and beautiful princess. Immediately there was another puff of smoke and when it cleared she saw she had indeed turned into a young hottie.

    Next she wished to be filthy rich. Again a cloud of smoke filled the room. When it cleared she saw that all the junk that had been in the attic had been replaced by gleaming piles of gold and precious jewels.

    Finally, the young princess decided to wish for a young and hansome prince. The geni nodded, and with one last poof of smoke, disappeared. When the room cleared her cat was gone and standing in its place was a handsome young man.

    Her heart starting pounding as the handsome prince gathered her gently into his arms and leaning down, whispered into her ear, "Now don't you wish you hadn't gotten me neutered!"
  • Okay here's my joke a blonde is driving down a road when she is pulled over by a mugger and he pulls her out of her car and draws a circle on the road he says to her "if I see you step out of this circle I'll kill you." The crook goes over to the car and pops all the tires and turns around to see the blonde laughing, so he smashing all the windows and the blonde is still laughing so he smashes everything else, then turns to the blonde and says "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING" and the blonde replies "while you weren't looking I snuck out of the circle three times" :doh:
  • Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.
    Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.

    God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". :helpme:
    God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

    Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

    God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". :helpme:

    God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

    God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

    Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".
  • Well, looks like i've got some strong competition to keep the Joke Fest crown this time ;)

    Are you ready for these!


    An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
    "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
    "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
    The doctor was shocked!
    "You asked your neighbour?"
    The old man replied,
    "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."


    These are genuine clips from British Council tenants complaining about problems with their flats:

    My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

    He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

    It's the dog mess I find hard to swallow.

    I want some repairs done to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off.

    I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    And their 18year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

    I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

    My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

    I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

    Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

    I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

    I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.

    The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

    Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

    Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

    The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

    I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

    Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

    I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but still have no satisfaction.

    This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2


    A man is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts.

    "Could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly."

    "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my
    forehead? I don't think so".

    "Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the
    front door? They're about to break."

    "Does it look like I've got Ronseal written on my forehead? I
    don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"

    So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he
    arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge
    to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.
    "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

    "Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then
    a nice and very handsome young man asked me what was wrong, so I told

    He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a
    cake OR
    have s*x with him"

    "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked.

    She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead?
    I don't think so!!"


  • Just a little heads-up to you guys...... the time to add your contributions is getting short!! Tomorrow (July 12th) will be the end of the jokefest, and the voting will start tomorrow night (EST, whenever I get in here).

    We'll be doing the voting differently this time. I'll be opening another thread (after closing this one) and putting the names of ALL the contributors with their contributions..... like:

    1: Name
    A: first joke
    B: second joke
    C: third joke....

    Like that..... so everyone's jokes will have a chance to be voted on. (and so we'll be able to point a finger to everyone who voted for whom!! HAHAHA)

    When you vote, ALL you should have in your post is the NUMBER of the contributor and the LETTER of their joke...... like this:

    (if I've had ReKenny as #2, and her joke letter B is "man alseep in church..... your vote/post should look like:

    #2, B......

    Get it??

    This way, everyone who contributed gets to have their efforts count. This will not be set up as a poll!!!!!!



    Now, if there are any last minute entries, NOW is the time to get them in!! I'll be closing this down tomorrow evening!

    Have fun!!!!! :D

    EDIT: I know I know, I didn't forget, I have had MAJOR computer problems over the weekend, and wasn't home yesterday,..... i'll get on this ASAP!!!!!! Please keep adding until I do.... hopefully by this weekend!! :shy:
  • ok i dont think anyone said this

    "ther once was a kid who had three wishes and he wished he had 3 more he kept on wishing he had tons more he made up his mind and said now that im dead i wish i wer alive"

    not that funny but hey its good
  • I hope this isn't too late.....

    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a Mosquito?

    A. A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it. :woot:

    Thank you all, enjoy the show! :clap:
  • I got a couple of Jokes for you...

    Joke 0

    A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date.
    The dad says, ''Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.''
    The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, ''Dad, Jesus had long hair...''
    And the dad replies, ''Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn't he?''

    Joke 1

    A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
    When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
    A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
    It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''

    Joke 2

    There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
    Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

    So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

    ''Why?' asked the head nurse.

    "Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

    Joke 3

    Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
    "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

    The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

    Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
  • Originally posted by Susan B STAFF@Jul 11 2003, 07:52 PM

    Just a little heads-up to you guys...... the time to add your contributions is getting short!! Tomorrow (July 12th) will be the end of the jokefest, and the voting will start tomorrow night (EST, whenever I get in here).

    EDIT: I know I know, I didn't forget, I have had MAJOR computer problems over the weekend, and wasn't home yesterday,..... i'll get on this ASAP!!!!!! Please keep adding until I do.... hopefully by this weekend!! :shy:

    Was i the only one that missed the final thread or voting for joke fest?

    I mean you guys could have at least PM'd or emailed me that I won! :blink:

    Ok who won??
  • [quote]Originally posted by Topper@Sep 10 2003, 11:18 PM
    [b]Was i the only one that missed the final thread or voting for joke fest?

    I mean you guys could have at least PM'd or emailed me that I won!

  • I know I know I know...... I've made a note in here before about my absence in this affair, computer problems and all. I think that getting cable internet access will help things along, no more AOHell, and I've got a computer guru coming over tomorrow to clean out the crap and learn me a few things, so I'll be ready to rumble by tomorrow night, and I'll be back in action, including in here. Nice to finally get in here and not have the page freeze up on me, or get booted out right in the middle of a post!!!! :doh:

    In the infamous words of Aahhhhhnold:

    I'll be back!! :punk:
  • Originally posted by Susan B STAFF@Sep 12 2003, 05:43 PM

    In the infamous words of Aahhhhhnold:

    I'll be back!! :punk:

    You must have meant in the words of calif's future Gov'nor :blink:
  • HA! That's only if he can get past Cruise Bust-a-move-sty, and there's still a chance that the a$$bags here in California will choose not to recall the moron they stirred up this fiasco for in the first place.

    This time I'm almost glad I can't vote. :shy:
  • A young priest goes to a small village in africa to start a church and to teach the natives about his religion. Things go well for quiet sometime until one day one of the young ladies has a white baby the chief finds out about it and furiously goes to see the priest. The priest trying to calm down the hostile chief says "Relax my brother it is just the way of the lord" The chief confused asks him to explain the priest continues " well it is like those sheep out in the field there do you see how all of them are white except for that one black one there" The chief then interrupts and says "Okay Okay i wont say anything about the baby if you dont say anything about the sheep" :punk: :punk: :drool:

Howdy, Stranger!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Login with Facebook Sign In with Google Sign In with OpenID Sign In with Twitter

In this Discussion