Every time I visit my ma-in-law I end up reading her "old people magazines" and in these magz are always one page dedicated to ease up the day to day life of, well idiots would be the correct denomination but I'll say the readers, by giving them pointers on how to make things run smoother.
For example are there at least 3 tips on how to remove stains by using everything from toothpaste to cats urin and tips like "Is your tea to hot? Then you can put an ice cube in it to make it cooler!".<_<
So I thought to my self, there must be these kind of stupid tips for younger people as well. I call 'em stupid cus any one can use 'em or come up with them, but sometimes they really do come in handy.

Ok, I'll start off by giving you this.

*If you live in an apartment you can buy some artificial grass (the kind they cover soccer field with) and put on the balcony to get that great outdoors feeling without having to leave the refridgerator behind.

*You can use your search engine as a dictionary. Type a word you're uncertain of in the search field and press enter. Are all the pages found in Japanese you probably spelled it wrong. I know Google will suggest a more correct spelling.

My roommate showed me quite the trick while I was away last summer.

If the lot next to you is overgrown with underbrush it can be reclaimed with a single bottle rocket. After the fire department hoses down the inferno, real grass is what grows back in about two weeks. <_<

If you have a girlfriend who just won't "get the message" that you don't want to see her anymore (even after you've boned most of her friends)

Try:

shaving her cat and writing "I HATE YOU" on it's skin with fingernail polish

Bleaching the message "YOU SUCK" into her yard

Taking a dump in her washing machine

Putting a Condit in '02 bumpersticker on her car

Taking a dump on her pillow

Calling her work saying you're from a medical research lab and asking one of her coworkers to ask her what time is best to come around and pick up her cat.

Taking a dump in her kitchen sink

Asking her (often) if she's ever considered plastic surgery

Saying "just put the filthy whore on" when you call for her on the phone and someone else answers

Pushing her down into mud, water, horsepoot, or whatever filth may be handy, should you go walking with her

Repeatedly bringing up how hot you think her sister is

Taking a dump in her closet

Drinking WAY too much around her parents, and hitting on her mom.

ALWAYS finishing first, and afterwards telling her to get out, or turn into a 6-pack and a sandwich

If these don't work for you, propose.

Well, that explains why Hubby Dear proposed all those years ago!! :lol:

Here's a cute one:

If you know windy or stormy weather is coming, and you don't want those bushes around your front porch to get knocked around too much, just tie them to the railings/slats of your porch with Pany-hose!! (yes men, time to 'fess up!! :P )

Instead of carpeting your new home, just buy foot sized squares, fix them a rubber band around them, and wear them as slippers to get that nice, carpety feel all around your house.

I asked this one before Wb and she happenend to agree and went and had some work done.

Unfortunately she had her nose done and didn't follow my suggestion :P


My best piece of advice was given to me when I was doing some casual work as a plumber

Don't bite your Fingernails

When you buy something, be sure to haggle using the "I can get that cheaper from the store next door" sentence.Its power is uncharted.

ah yes, very true, the amount of times I have gotten a discount because I
have been "shopping around" for this product & can get a better deal in the
next suburb.

If you have a mate who comes up with a money making scheme that
involves you cutting off one of your legs with a chainsaw, don't do it, you'll
probably die.

If you're buying a lower quality brand item at a supermarket to save money
and someone points out that a higher quality brand item is on special &
cheaper, you won't be saving money if you stick with buying the crappy
brand. I tried pointing that out to a woman buying paper towels and she
just couldn't get it through her head the good ones were cheaper.

While attending a job interview, it is not normally a good idea to take along
a collection of Army Men and create a small battle scene on the desk (making
explosion noises, using different voices when talking for each CO and
shooting staples at them, you know, the works), while the interviewer(s)
drone on & on about their company.

Now here's a tips that will make me look like a lazy bum more then it will help out all of you others.

I really hate brushing my teeth in the morning. I start to choke and have acually thrown up at some rare occasions (no I wasn't hung over).
So to mend this defect in me I started to brush my teeth really thoroughly in the evening when it wasn't making me vomitate.
I usually spend 20 minutes (get the brush at on commersial break and return it by the other) of dental cleaning before I go to bed and the funny thing is that I havn't had a cavity since i started doing this (3,5 years ago).
When I get up in the morning my mouth is just as fresh as when I go to bed too.
Only drawback is that I tend to drewl alot of toothpaste on my t-shirts.

A magazine we have here in the UK called Viz always features handy top tips. When the characters in Viz include the likes of Sid the Sexist, Spoilt Bastard and The Fat Slags you’ll get an idea of the type of stuff


Any hoo – here’s a few samples:

Prevent your milkman from becoming complacent by never ordering the same amount of pints twice and hiding your empties all around the front garden.

Single people. Pretend you’re having sex by parking your car in a secluded country lane and steam up your windows using a ‘travel kettle’ plugged into the cigarette lighter.

Asthmatics – Avoid going on holiday to places where the scenery can be described as breathtaking.

Fatties – Pay somebody to walk behind you in the street juggling, swallowing swords or eating fire. This will divert attention from your obesity.

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any planes home.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.


Hehe – you get the idea

if you wake up in a park one day only to see a bum removing a gold screw from youre navel with his pocket knife...whatever you doo dont stand up becouse youre rear-end may fall off.

LOL I will have to try this one sometime :P

Wartoad

Here's one that I like:

[b]To get your teeth nice and white try brushing with table salt and water[b]

Or you could simply coat them with liquid paper

(BTW, you need to put a "/" before the last B to make the text bold)

Another bright white smile tip:

Try brushing with baking soda instead of salt, it doesn't taste quite as bad!


Always smile, it'll make others wonder what you're up to!

If you're embarrassed about the way your ears stick out like a couple of meat pies, you can simply affix
them to the side of your head with a staple gun. Not only are they flat against your head in a more acceptable way, but piercings of the top half of your ears are very trendy now days.

"I have a lovely bunch of cocnuts. deribely-ah-da. There they are all standing in a row.
Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head. Give 'em a twist, a flick of the wrist." That's what the showman said.
(Sorry about that one, the first one really took it out of me, just thought this one would give me insight for the next one).

When you've been pulled over by a motor bike cop for speeding, tell 'em you're in a hurry because of
the of the body of the person you've killed in the boot & if they would like to see the murder weapon in
the glovebox. Being on their own, they'd forbid you to open the glovebox and wouldn't go near the
boot, They'd just call for backup & tell you to keep their hands on the wheel, while keeping their side
arm pointed at you.
When their superior officer arrives, the bike cop'll fill 'em in on the details while the backup'll cover ya.
After a while, the superior officer will come along & question you about the body & the weapon. Deny
your confession took place and complain about being threatend by the bike cop, evidence will be on
your side (as long as you don't have a dead body & murder weapon on your person).
After that, add, in the most sarcastic voice you can manage, "I s'pose they claimed I was speeding too".

(I got that from a joke I heard years ago, & I reckon if it wasn't a joke, it'd probably work)