Encyclopedia Api
  • Had a thread before about stupid hints and tips in day to day life. That one didn't quite work the way I thought of it so I thought some more and came up with this.

    Every day, all people make stupid misstakes, some of them big enough to have a thread of their own, but most of them just trivial, yet comical, -uck ups.
    I would like to have this thread in wich you could post how you messed up today, so that people can avoid doing the same misstakes and have a laugh at the same time. Get the idea?

    I'll start off with a few examples.

    *Saturday: If you're drinking shots, make sure the glas you use is smaller than your mouth. If you don't care for having most of the precious liqour pouring down your neck that is.

    *Sunday: When having a picnic, be sure to look for a place to sit that isn't hosting hidden piles of dog poo.

    *Monday: When chopping salads in a professional way, like the chefs on TV. Remember to keep smiling even if you do happen to chop off the tip of your indexfinger.

    *Tuesday: If you're expecting company it is a good idea to take care of the no.2 buisness before the guests arrive. Be sure to lock the front door though, at least be sure to close the toilet door. And always make sure that there are at least 3 squares of paper in reach.
  • Sunday: When camping make sure to find a windbreak when pitching your tents so that 35 mph gusts don't ruin your outing.

    Monday: When your German Shepard who weighs 75 lbs has her leash wrapped around your ankle, don't throw her favorite ball!!! :think:
  • Good job jdm, I was thinking this might have to be a solo preformance by me.
    Talking of dogs, here's one I have aquired from a friend of mine

    When out walking your Greyhound and you spot a rabbit before it does, hand the leash over to any other person you happen to have brought along.

    Monday: When shaving your head bold, make sure young children do not steal your hair and use it to stuff your shoes.

    Tuesday: When picking your nose, make sure to do it as un-noticable as possible if you don't wish it to become a family tradition passed on to the younger generation.

  • Monday: When having a barbeque with your family, make sure not to underestimate your little puppy's jumping abilities.
  • Last wednesday:When trying to soften the fall of a falling home appliance box (with the appliance still in it) do not do so with you're leg.

    Monday: When chopping salads in a professional way, like the chefs on TV. Remember to keep smiling even if you do happen to chop off the tip of your indexfinger.[/b]

    Om jag bara kunde skratta
  • Tuesday: When removing all children from car seats and booster chairs, ensure you have the car keys in your pocket - not on the floor of the van - prior to locking the doors. :doh:
  • When you are "taking your imagination" to a further level when drawing, never underestimate your little Cousins "imagination".
  • Wednesday: If you plan to preform the collected works of Wagner in the evening and intend to use your behind as the only form of instrument, it might be a good idea to eat 2 pounds of dough (the kind with yeast in it) for lunch. If not, it might be a bad idea

    :flex: -phfffuuiiiiiiiprprprprprrrrrrrr
  • Wednesday : Make mental note that when ever Gideon comes to California.. take a week of vacation off and go party with that man!!!! :lol: Bananas!! I gotta try that one!

    Thursday: When dropping anchor to go fishing... make sure anchor is securly tied to boat or practice your drift fishing.
  • Wednesday: Dont take shots at trees in your back yard with wooden arrows sometimes they bouce back.

    Thursday: Try not to get caught playing mini - putt at school.
  • Wensday: When going to the movies with your boyfriend..make sure to choose a theatre where the drink holders go out of the way.
  • Thursday: Laugh when you think about when people go to the movies with their gf/bf and dont chose a theatre were the drink holders/ armrests dont "go out of the way". hehe
  • Back to Sunday, when trying to break camp in a hideous wind, do not curse God. For some unexplainable reason my middle finger has developed an aching pain. I'm not religeous but I kid you not! :unsure:
  • Originally posted by Lethal_Injection@May 29 2003, 06:30 AM
    Wednesday: Dont take shots at trees in your back yard with wooden arrows sometimes they bouce back.

    Ah, that reminds me.
    wednesday 1988: Try and avoid shooting glasfibre arrorrow with steel head straight up into the sky. Chanses are you end up with a crushed toenail.

    Thursday: If trying to mend the pains of having 2 ponds of dough swelling in your stomach by drinking Vodka, don't be surpriced if the pain has magically moved one floor up during the night.
  • This didn't happen to me but I was *very* close when it happened...:cunning:

    Thursday...When you go to traffic court and lose for an 82 MPH speeding ticket... do not get up and punch some poor guy in the front row of the court room because you will quickly learn what "contempt of court" means. :woot:
  • Tuesday: When attending counseling and not really wanting to reveal certain information for fear it will be repeated..the best phrase is "I don't know."

  • Thursday:

    After showering, do not EVER, under any circumstances, prop your foot up on the edge of the tub to dry off your leg!!!!!!
    (refer to "what's going on in your life" for details) :cry:
  • Thursday Afternoon: When being called to assist the ambulance for Susan's house for a medical call... take dark sunglasses and never laugh directly at the patient. :shy:
  • Monday morning - when tipping the 45 gal. drum back to roll it off the truck, check first to see if it's empty or full before putting all your energy into it.
    Monday morning earlier- when resetting your alarm clock after power outage, make sure you don't switch around AM and PM, enabling you to show up for work on time.
  • Friday Night: When running over a snake at work with the forklift, try to aim for the head as they get very upset when you only get the tip of their tail! :fight:
  • Saturday: Before going to spend lots of money on a found kitty and telling your kids they can have it as a pet... follow your first insticts and make found posters and post them around town. :o

    Plus ask *all* your neighbors if they lost a kitty prior to letting anyone get excited. <_<
  • Friday: Before giving soft icecream with chocolate topping to your 20 months old kid, make sure to remove every single garment from the childs body and place her/him in a tub.
  • Tuesday, 10:25 pm: Never get into an argument with your fiance in the middle of a shopping mall parking lot in her home town, about 2500 miles away from anything that looks familiar to you. Cause when she takes off, in the rental car and you were kind enough to let her handle ALL of the money, it gets mighty lonley waiting for her to cool off, but you have time to think of a really good apology.

    :cry: :notworthy:
  • Another work related wisdom...

    Monday: When riding a motorcycle and crashing into a big rig (18 wheeler)... remember the lug nut factor... the vehicle with the most lug nuts will most likely win! :rebel:
  • Never get in an argument about politics with a canadian they always go on the defensive.... :peace:
  • Sunday:
    1 - When drinking a soft drink out of a tin make sure there are no bees in it the next time you take a sip.

    2 - A bee sting on a newly pierced tongue really hurts.

    Some months: Don't start smoking after giving up for 12 years, it's even harder to stop the second time.
  • Wednesday:Try to avoid faling asleep on the couch when watching teletubbies with your hyperactive child. You might end up with a knife full of butter in your mouth and torn wallpaper in your lap.

  • Wensday: When feeding one's dogs make sure that you don't close the container to all the dry treats before you get the cup outta there. You may end up with treats all over the floor.
  • From my son: Monday: When playing baseball at school and sliding into home plate, :rebel: ...remember you aren't in the major leagues and not getting paid millions a year... and then you won't break your Fibula and Growth Plate in your ankle... cuz if you do (like he did) then it's six weeks in a cast. :unsure:
  • When running for office, only kiss the babies who are old enough to vote. :rolleyes:
  • 3 weeks ago, early Sunday morning: when playing around with the software on your PC to try and play really old PC games, do not panic when you restart your machine and nothing happens. Do not automatically think that what you did to the software affected the hardware. Do not spend several hours searching Google to find out what is wrong with your machine. After a few hours of snatched, restless sleep, do not get up and feel that as a penance, you have to clean the insides and outsides of all your kitchen cupboards. Do not stand on a chair in the middle of your kitchen, rubber gloves on and bleach cleaner in hand, crying like a girl.

    Do remember that you had problems with your motherboard and CPU previously. Do wait for your other half to consult a friend with a degree in computer science for their comments. Do allow said friend to take PC away and find out that the motherboard has fried, purely by coincidence. Do make sure that you find the time to walk the couple of miles to the PC store to replace said motherboard.

    BTW, the fried motherboard in a frame makes for an interesting conversation piece, art wise. ;)
  • never run if see a dog even a pet dog

    If run OUCH(in the hospitle)
  • Nice one Vegeta, could you be any more vague?

    Several Saturday's Ago: When changing diaper on newborn and it would appear that he is going to fart, do not remove the diaper just for good measure. Far less messy that way when he :stink: 's instead of farting. :(
  • Sunday: When practicing enunciation excersises(spelling?) do not act like the cream of the crop and then get on the stage to practice a skit and slur your words together. "The Lasagna" is hard to say without slurring, but I made the mistake of acting like a hotshot before I said the line and then just prooved myself wrong. :flex:
  • Monday: Do not try and catch a football while running backwards in a place with bushes. :feedme: :bash:
  • don't ever try outsmart your parents

    Get grounded for 1 week.
    No T.V for 1 week.
    No computer for 5 days.
    No psone for 1 1/2 week.
  • This week, starting last Saturday: Try to avoid having you and your child coming down with stomach diseases that makes you throw up what ever you may eat when going on vacation. Restaurant and airplane visits are not improved by being covered in puke.

    Same time as above: When going on vacation to mother that you don't meet more then once a year, try to remember why this is so and brace yourself for the impact. Bring along clean underwear and a big bag of patience.

    Same time as above: Know that even though you might get irritated over the people you are staying with for a week have a tendency to talk loudly and stay up late, you will have your revenge in the morning when your kid wakes up at 6:30 and starts playing the piano.
  • Monday: never under estimate the power of the lamp, I left my sock near the lamp and it started to get a little hot and smelly, so as you can figure my first instinct was to move it, so i did, I just pushed it on the floor (the sock that is) and went out.
    Later on that day I came back home only to find out that my lamp had fallen off right next to my sock and my room absolutely reeked, very bad, so anyway later that day I tried to make my room smell nice again with a selection off anti-persperents I wont even go there.
    Tuesday: my room smells really bad now and I dont know what to do about it Dont make the same mistake as I did. :stink: :stink: :stink: :blink:
  • [quote]Originally posted by Steve F STAFF@Jun 17 2003, 09:11 AM
    [b] Monday
  • Tuesday evening - When "rough-housing" with the new puppy, do not leave certain areas of the human anatomy unprotected from accidental playful bites unless you're training him to be an attack dog! :unsure:
  • When on a driving lesson, remember the difference between left and right, and the accelerator and brake (my bad!)
  • When not coming straight home after golf as promised and the fiancee hunts you down in a stripper bar, after the argument escalates and she slaps you, under no circumstance say " is that all ya got, why don't you throw the weight in your a** into it next time". It WILL result in a bloody nose and public humiliation!! :doh:

    When changing the filter for the swimming pool, do not assume that just because the pump isn't running to circulate the water that gravity still doesn't play into things. If the hoses aren't closed you end up with one hell of a fountain right in the face and 20 -30 gallons of water lost in an instant. :2cool:

    When the girls want to spend the night at grandmas, don't let grandma borrow the movie Dazed And Confused. You will have a lot of questions posed when they come home which are touchy subjects to deal with coming from a 5 and 9 year old. :think:
  • When talking to someone and walking, make sure you look in front of you, not at the person. Otherwise the wrath of other people, poles and walls come into play. :doh:

    When talking to girls, do not talk to them when there are people such as LI around... :bash: you will pay for it for weeks to come.

    When in class or walking around, do not ridicule the teacher when they are in earshot (happened to Sophie...now that was funny). Especially when that teacher is the mother of your friend (I just hope that she forgot...I really do).
  • Saturday: Make sure that when you wake up early in the morning, that you drink a lot of soda before going on stage and expecting to say all your lines well enunciated.
  • :unsure: Happened last Saturday.
    Don't call your wife a idiot at her uncle's house and all the family are there for a birthday party...( I didn't mean it!!!!) :doh: :unsure:

  • Saterday- When you are playing playstation2 and little kids are present, don't stand it up on the side. It may cause damage to it.

    Sunday- When at the circus, don't go on too many of the twirly rides, you might have an ache in your tummy for the rest of the day.

  • When playing your newest Tomb Raider game, do not under any circumstances try to load your saved game while falling to your demise.

    You may think that you're saving time by skipping your death scene, however you might accidentally save game!!
    Thereby every time you load your game you are once again falling like Wile E. Coyote.

    Try explaining some of your outbursts to a 6 year old. :swear:
  • Don't worry JDM, you're not alone, I've done that a couple of times in TR games and especially PC games where the quick save/load buttons are next to each other, like F5 & F6.
  • When hanging a CD storage rack made of finest Chinese components small amounts of money can buy, make sure that you hang it so that if the J-P section were to fall down (crazy thought) it will land in a place unreachable for your young child who has a strong urge to open up, examine and throw around CD covers.

  • Lunchtime today:

    Screaming "IDON'TWANTTOIDON'TWANTTOIDON'TWANTTO" while stomping hard in the ground will not get you anywere close to convincing the Ms that you don't need to take the dog for a walk until you broken the highscore on all eye-toy game levels.
  • Some time ago:

    If the gas tank on a lawn mover says "Let cool down for 5 minutes before filling", it really means "Let cool down for 5 minutes or more, or tank will explode".
  • Friday: When carrying a heavy instrument (hypothetically speaking, let's say the Quints), make sure to never ever ever wear a sweatshirt while carrying. It will make you have to put the instrument down and then take off the sweatshirt and then you'll have to pick it up again and the instrument gets 10x heavier after taking off a sweatshirt.
  • Everyday

    Don't stare at girls (especially the beautiful ones) they 'always' think that you have a crush on them....

    why is that anyway?
  • Thursday:

    If you wake up in your bed and you're feeling dizzy, chances are that standing up won't help either. Don't stand because it only makes you all the more dizzy at which you will end up collapsing.
  • Almost two weeks ago...on a Wednesday...

    When injuring your hand at work, make sure you can handle the pain.
    If you can't, make sure when you pass out someone is nearby to catch you when you fall.
    When you regain consciousness, don't jump up right away, unless you like being on the floor again.

    And most important......If you must embarrass yourself at work, be sure you can handle the nick-names people are going to give you. :swear:
  • Every single day: Posponding the doing of important calculations and other homework-stuff due to the fact that there are much more interesting things to do, like vacuuming for example, will give you sort of a bad feeling about the outcome of certain tests that are due in a near future. BUYING TIMESPLITTERS 2 and getting hooked will not take that feeling away.

    Thursday (with results on friday):
    When returning to the gym after a whole summer of abscence, try not to max out the weights in every exersice.

    Monday 2 weeks ago and beyond:
    When child go to daycare-
    prepare for colds constantly entering your house on her return.
  • Monday: When buying a new pair of trousers, never get them so tight that when you first sit down you hear a ripping sound - thank goodness I was still in the changing room in the store at the time !
  • DO NOT play russian roulette with a bag of revels if one in the group has a nut allergy!!
  • If you suspect that your baby has gone and done number two it is wiser to do an ocular inspection than a tactile. (The latter technique has been preformed by my girlfriend on numerous occation)
  • If you have a concern about about making noices in a public restroom that makes it hard for you to do what you're in there doing, simply bring a set of headphones with your favourite music, turn the volume up and let it rip. If you can't hear it neither can somebody else, right?!

    ... and yes, I am a bit fixated on the :pooh:
  • Today: When straightening your hair, the hair that has just been straightened is not safe to touch and not get burned.

    My finger still hurts from that.
  • It is wise to put on a helmet when going for a ride with a bike.
    However, if you put on a helmet but forget to ride the bike you might look like a moron walking down the street.

    (Had my mind on other things this morning :D )
  • Today : If you havent been to the gym for ages, when you used to go 3 times a week, dont try and replicate your old routine... also, make sure you have eaten something that day. Note : Heavy workout may result in heavy stomach fluctuations...........
  • manneman, your last knowledge thing is too funny. Had me in tears. :D

    Yesterday: When dealing with a snotty significant other, do not talk to them in the peak of their snottiness. Rather, wait until they have cooled down and then be sure to tell them your feelings.

    (Had my boy cowering in apology)

    Today: When walking two dogs on one leash, make sure that the dogs usually walk the same speed. Lest, you will end up with being pulled by one and dragging the other. -_-
  • When consuming alcoholic beverages,

    Extinguish the flaming Sambuca before attempting to toss it back (repeat flaming). If that fails, make sure you are with friends who have full water glasses in front of them.

    If you've been having some lagers and happen to have fallen asleep upon your leg, wait for the feeling to come back before attempting to lurch your way bedward. It's much easier to remain upright and leaves your furniture intact.

    When having a Guiness pub draught ale (with the built in CO2 charger) make sure you cool it down in the fridge prior to opening if you wish to savour the whole can.
  • Today, just now, after reading JamesV's post...

    When considering starting a career in consuming alcoholic beverages, read and re-read other people's posts and then re-consider the whole thing! :laugh:
    (it sounds way too dangerous and just too darned much work)
  • Today: When trying to start a movie night, do not announce to your mother what movies you are planning to watch, lest she will insist they are trash and in turn trash your plans.

  • Here's one from an exotic locale. A friend was on a small island somewhere in the south seas. Haven't seen him in a while but he would tell you that if you were in such a place and were going to go out snorkeling, make sure that there is no scorpion hiding in your wetsuit prior to stuffing yourself into it. It will save you a visit to the local medicine woman (since there aren't many doctors on many of those tiny islands) as well as several days of severe illness. I guess it pays to be observant.
  • While picking up a stack of VHS movies in one hand, be sure not to be in bare feet and be sure that the openings of the boxes are *not* facing downward. However, if you are barefoot and the openings are facing downward, be sure not to hold the stack directly over one of those bare feet, as one of the tapes in the middle may just slide out of the box and land directly onto one of your toes, breaking it in the process. :blink: :crybaby:

    "If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, take the spoon out of the cup". (Norm Crosby)
  • If you are going away for a week and the weather is gonna be pants - dont just pack 2 pairs of flip flops. You will end up with very cold feet and will have to buy the cheapest naffest whitest!! pair of trainers in the whole wide world just to get some feeling back in your feet!!!

    And dont drive with said shoes if they make your toes numb when you are sat in this position. Awkward and very painful!!!
  • Our Scout motto is be prepared. Words of wisdom (especially for popsicle toes). Also, Lego is as good as if not better than VCR covers for massaging the feet. I guess Susie will have to wait for grand kiddies to reexperience that.
    If your vehicle seems to be riding rather roughly (even on a really bad road), stop and have a look. It will allow you to fix a flat rather than having to replace a whole tire. I will replace my picture with one of said tire for a short period to continue my walk of shame.
  • When lining up at Macdonalds, don't comment too loudly to friends that you intend to take some Macdonald Job Apps from the front counter to work as staff member at work would be more suited for a carreer at Macdonalds... Otherwise your burger may contain some unwanted ingredients :D
  • Don't trust your partner to take care of children and house while you work.
    She might get the idea to buy a gallon of soap for the kids to blow bubbles with. A gallon of soap that you'll end up mopping up from your hallway, porch, doorsill and driveway. If your children are espesially industrious and fond of "aesthetical improvements" you will probably also end up with a 2 foot long sticker, previously attached to a gallon-sized bottle of bubble-soap, on your front door and those suckers are hard to remove since they shred easily.
  • You must have had the cleanest house on the block after that one manne. Nothing like getting home from work for more work! A cousin who has a job putting signs on buses gave us two vinyl Sponge Bob stickers, each almost a metre in length. One of the children in my cub group is a huge SB fan so I gave one to him. Perhaps I should've read your experience first. Or maybe his mother should have.
  • Today: When one is famished, never ever EVER resort to eating the Doggie Yogurt or PupCorn. It will leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Dog food is for a 'dog' for a reason. :bag:

    Can't believe I have just written that..now I'll be the laughing stock
  • QUOTE(RedKenny @ Jul 16 2006, 05:40 AM) [snapback]66929[/snapback]

    Today: When one is famished, never ever EVER resort to eating the Doggie Yogurt or PupCorn. It will leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Dog food is for a 'dog' for a reason. :bag:

    Can't believe I have just written that..now I'll be the laughing stock


    Dear dear... Redkennypup... seems you are a pup after all! Lol, at least you learnt from your mistake!
  • I am TOO a pup! Pups do stupid things and learn from their mistakes. :D You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

    Today: When trying to play skeeball make sure you choose a skeeball lane which has an well put together ramp, lest when you toss the ball it will fly back and nearly hit you or your boyfriend in the head. :bag:

  • When prying out a root clot in a 6" sewer pipe which rests 25 feet below a basement which has been plugged for 3 weeks and has 6 inches of backup on the basement floor, remember that weigh and gravity create pressure. For when that clog breaks free and you're in a trench you will get a raw sewage shower more quickly than you can try to get out of the way.
  • QUOTE(jdm1108 @ Jul 22 2006, 04:36 AM) [snapback]67144[/snapback]

    remember that weigh and gravity create pressure.

    Pressure = Weight x Area = Mass x Gravity x Area

    When buying jigsawpuzzles for your kiddies (or for yourself) make sure that not half of them are featuring Winnie the Pooh in different setups, in the eventuality that some day ALL the jigsawpieces get scrambled up in a big pile and you are the one that has to re-assemble them again.
  • When walking a dog make sure to not have treats in your pocket. The dog will obey your every command and when you think it's quite possible that the dog is just listening to you it will lunge for your pocket with enough brute force to knock you over.
  • QUOTE(JamesV @ Jun 13 2006, 07:25 PM) [snapback]65713[/snapback]

    When consuming alcoholic beverages,

    When having a Guiness pub draught ale (with the built in CO2 charger) make sure you cool it down in the fridge prior to opening if you wish to savour the whole can.

    When consuming the black stuff that I love so much, make sure that it is chilled for at least 3 hours in the coldest part of your fridge and 30 minutes prior to drinking it, remove it from the fridge & place it in the freezer for no longer than 30 minutes for a Super Velvet Cold Guinness. If you keep it in any longer it will explode leaving the contents of your freezer tasting of Guinness (if you like that sort of thing)

    While drinking Guinness in the summer make sure you have some lovely fresh ripe strawberries & dip them into the creamy head of the pint mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • I drink Guiness any time and in any weather. I also like making happy faces in the froth. mmmmm indeed.
  • TodayJuly 25:th 3:45 PM: When making notes on a paper using some sort of marker or ink-pen, try to avoid the classic "Scratch your head with the pen" manouver unless you are absolutely certain the cap is on.
    Unless ofcourse you wish to portrait yourself as some sort of manga character in anger (with the the big + mark on your forhead).
  • Tiff this one is for you

    EVER EVER say yes to dog sitting again for 2 weeks then please check the dates and tell me for i will be moving out for those dates - He is trashing everything i hold dear to me :crybaby: and this is only day 2
  • QUOTE(oddish182000 @ Jul 26 2006, 12:03 AM) [snapback]67312[/snapback]

    NEVER EVER say yes to dog sitting again for 2 weeks then please check the dates and tell me for i will be moving out for those dates - He is trashing everything i hold dear to me :crybaby: and this is only day 2

    Welcome to one of the perks of enjoying puppyhood...or doghood...whatever you call it. It's one of the awesome things of nature.

    You leave something out, dog destroys, he gets in trouble...he destroys again.
    Tifa can't be left alone with my stuffed animals still.
    She panics and rips them up.

    When you are inviting a friend over to hang out, don't invite other friends over. It's completely rude to invite other friends over whom you've seen for the past few days and talk with them for hours on end and ignore the friend whom you haven't seen in a week. It is just plain disrespectful. :angry:
  • OK, some new wisdom from the other day!

    When your partner is away at a evening meeting at work and you are home tending the childen AND you just have to swing by the store to pick up some bread and milk for breakfast DO NOT under any circumstances allow your 5 year old daughter to help you unlock the door when you get back. Chances are that she will "accidentally" drop the keys through the mail-hatch on the apartment door and thus render you homeless, wandering the streets wearing only t-shirt and slippers with two children until your partners meeting is over and she turns her phone back on and returns.
  • Oh dear! Sorry to hear what happened there manne.

    For today: When your best friend is begging you to come hang out after a rough night with her significant other. Don't go. If her significant other ends up showing up, all negative feelings towards him will disappear and you will therefore, be ignored and have to show yourself out.:huh:

Howdy, Stranger!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Login with Facebook Sign In with Google Sign In with OpenID Sign In with Twitter

In this Discussion